esl jokes

[nikita]

Hello,

Here is a little joke with the Present Simple Tense.

Mum, does God go to the bathroom?
> No, son, why do you ask?
Well, every morning dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"

Have a nice day!

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

...

[nikita]

Hi!

Here is a new joke for you. At least I hope it is new.

If a train stops at a train station and a bus stops at a bus station, what happens at a workstation?

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

...

[nikita]

Hello,

A: I'd like a mirror, please.
B: A hand mirror, madam?
A: No, it's my face I want to look at.

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

[tense]

An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples a student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What will be the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

[nikita]

That was a nice one. But here is another joke for you.

Passenger: Are you free?
Taxi driver: No, I charge like everyone else.

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

[nikita]

Hello there.

Here are just a few jokes to cheer you up! Have a nice day.


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Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

**************************

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

**************************

Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

**************************


Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

...

[nikita]

Hello,

Just one more joke for you.

Swimming Pool Attendant: "You’re not allowed to wear a two piece in this pool, miss!"
Lady: "O.K. Mister - which piece do you want me to take off!"

Have a nice day!

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

[nikita]

Hello there!

What's your favourite food?
> I am very fond of spaghetti bolognese, sir.
Spell it.
> Actually, sir, I think I prefer beef.

Cheerio.

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

[Sergey Vakshul]

Hi Nikita,

It was fanny. Fanny indeed

[nikita]

Hello Sergey,

Please look up "fanny" in your dictionary. I bet my life you like it.

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

[Sergey Vakshul]

I wasn't that difficult to find myself among the others contributors to your collection of students' blunders

[nikita]

Hello,

I haven't posted anything for a long time. Sorry guys. Here is a joke for you which illustrates the use of short answers in English. Actually, there is a very similar joke in Grapevine course, but I failed to find it today. So, here is another version for you.

Joke
----------------------------------------
Judge: You have been convicted of burglary. Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?
Accused: As the Lord is my judge, I am not guilty. I did not do it.
Judge: He is not. I am. You are. You did. Five years.
----------------------------------------

Have a nice day,

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

[nikita]

And here is one more joke.

One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot one of his cows?
"Was it mad?" asks the other farmer.
The farmer replies "Well it wasn't very happy about it".

to be mad at sb = to be very angry with sb


Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

[nikita]

ed/ing adjectives
for example: interested/interesting

Anna: That boy over there is annoying me!
Sue: But he is not even looking at you.
Marry: That's what I am annoyed about!

Nikita Kovalyov
http://www.eclecticenglish.com/

[nikita]

A cool phrase from Josh Billings:

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

Have a nice day!

Nikita Kovalyov
www.eclecticenglish.com